*sigh*

This cycle is a bust. WHY, God? I feel so depressed. After having so much hope these past 2 weeks... I really thought this was going to be it. I had all these symptoms (and a dream) that made me think, "this is different so this must be IT, right?". Now I know that I am just crazy.
This would have been the best Christmas gift ever. We are going away this weekend and was hoping that we could celebrate, but I guess that will not be happening. Now, I just want to stay in bed and be depressed. Instead, I will have to put on my "big girl pants" and go on with life.
I have been very diligent with my prayers. God, aren't you listening? Can't you see that this breaks me more and more every month? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to cope?
I am tired of these invasive procedures, tired of being the only one without kids or pregnant, tired of meeting people and them asking me if I have kids and when we would like to start having a family, tired of pity from friends and family, tired of going month to month with BFNs, tired of clomid and the possibility of cystic rupture or torsion, tired of hoping, tired of holding back the tears and trying to keep myself together, tired of waiting...
I don't want to be angry but I am. Three years, 2 miscarraiges. WTH?

UGH!!!

This 2WW is killing me!

The dreaded wait...

So I had IUI on Wed (3 DEC). I am hopeful that I will get good news this cycle. I may get my Christmas wish after all. :) I am praying hard! I have to admit that reading the OPK sticks are hard to interpret so hopefully I timed it right. UGH! I am so nervous!
I had asked my Dr about my past labs and he said that he was not worried about me having antiphospholipid syndrome because only 1 lab value was borderline and all other labs were normal. I really hope he is right. I need to trust him and trust in God that I am OK.
This week should go by quickly since I have a final on WED to study for (Organic Chem). After WED I need to start my Christmas shopping. Oh, the shopping! I like shopping, but only for myself! I need to think of a good gift for my coworker. I am their secret Santa. I think this is the only gift I am truly stressed about. There is a $20 limit and I have no idea what to get her! I don't want to give a gift card (although it may seem easier) because for me, it just seems like I am not putting thought into the gift and everyone else will be getting/giving actual gifts. Anyway, got to get back to studying... I think I will be OK for this test. I need to make a 74 to make at least a B and 47 to make a C.... I think it is manageable! I wish I had better chance of making a B (or an A even), but I did not do well on my last test. :(

IUI

I got the OK to try to get pregnant this month either by IUI or intercourse. I am excited but nervous. My husband and I decided to that since it has taken so long to get pregnant before, it may be better to try IUI this time. However, after going over my medical records last night (i don't know why I had the need to go over my medical history) but I realized that I may have a blood disorder that may have been the reason why I have had the miscarraiges. I will call my doctor on Monday to consult with him and ask to get one more blood work-up just to be sure, because I will "nut up" if God forbid I have another m/c.

Cystic Rupture

Last night I had severe cramping. It was the familiar cramping I get every once in a while. I went to see my doctor today. He said it looks like the 2 folicles he saw on Monday ruptured and there was free fluid in my abdomen. He also suggested that I may have had mild ovarian torsion where my ovary had twisted on itself. He also said my lining was 10 (day 16) and he said that was good. I still have to go on tues to get another progesterone level.
I am not going to know what to do with myself once I get pregnant. It will be the miracle of miracles.

New beginnings

So I have decided to start my blog over since I feel like I am starting over. I am just going to journal about my experiences/ plan of action from my RE.
After almost 3 years of trying to start a family and 2 miscarraiges, we finally have been referred to an RE. Since my last miscarraige (June 2008) I started seeing my new doctor. So far we have had karyotyping for my husband and I. Both were normal. I had a HSG--normal. By the way, it hurt like a mother... And I am sure it didn't help that I was so nervous that they would say I had an abnormal uterus or something. Now he is "monitoring" my cycle to be sure that my hormones are normal.
I started this cycle on 10/23, took clomid on days 3-7, had u/s on day 12. I had 2 good follicles on my right ovary and smaller ones around it and on my right. Endometrium lining was ~7. Estrogen measured to be 978 (good); LH 10 (low); OPK- I had 2 lines, but the test line was light. OPK on 11/4, still light. OPK on 11/5 REALLY faint, but I could still see something. I went back for another draw and LH was 14 and progesterone was 1.25. It seems that I possibly ovulated yesterday. I have to go back for another progesterone check on Tuesday morning.
I really am hoping everything is fine so that we may try next month. A BFP would definitely be an awesome Christmas present. Crossing my fingers and praying all the time....