This cycle is a bust. WHY, God? I feel so depressed. After having so much hope these past 2 weeks... I really thought this was going to be it. I had all these symptoms (and a dream) that made me think, "this is different so this must be IT, right?". Now I know that I am just crazy.
This would have been the best Christmas gift ever. We are going away this weekend and was hoping that we could celebrate, but I guess that will not be happening. Now, I just want to stay in bed and be depressed. Instead, I will have to put on my "big girl pants" and go on with life.
I have been very diligent with my prayers. God, aren't you listening? Can't you see that this breaks me more and more every month? What am I supposed to do? How am I supposed to cope?
I am tired of these invasive procedures, tired of being the only one without kids or pregnant, tired of meeting people and them asking me if I have kids and when we would like to start having a family, tired of pity from friends and family, tired of going month to month with BFNs, tired of clomid and the possibility of cystic rupture or torsion, tired of hoping, tired of holding back the tears and trying to keep myself together, tired of waiting...
I don't want to be angry but I am. Three years, 2 miscarraiges. WTH?
Wednesday, December 17, 2008
Sunday, December 14, 2008
Sunday, December 7, 2008
The dreaded wait...
So I had IUI on Wed (3 DEC). I am hopeful that I will get good news this cycle. I may get my Christmas wish after all. :) I am praying hard! I have to admit that reading the OPK sticks are hard to interpret so hopefully I timed it right. UGH! I am so nervous!
I had asked my Dr about my past labs and he said that he was not worried about me having antiphospholipid syndrome because only 1 lab value was borderline and all other labs were normal. I really hope he is right. I need to trust him and trust in God that I am OK.
This week should go by quickly since I have a final on WED to study for (Organic Chem). After WED I need to start my Christmas shopping. Oh, the shopping! I like shopping, but only for myself! I need to think of a good gift for my coworker. I am their secret Santa. I think this is the only gift I am truly stressed about. There is a $20 limit and I have no idea what to get her! I don't want to give a gift card (although it may seem easier) because for me, it just seems like I am not putting thought into the gift and everyone else will be getting/giving actual gifts. Anyway, got to get back to studying... I think I will be OK for this test. I need to make a 74 to make at least a B and 47 to make a C.... I think it is manageable! I wish I had better chance of making a B (or an A even), but I did not do well on my last test. :(
I had asked my Dr about my past labs and he said that he was not worried about me having antiphospholipid syndrome because only 1 lab value was borderline and all other labs were normal. I really hope he is right. I need to trust him and trust in God that I am OK.
This week should go by quickly since I have a final on WED to study for (Organic Chem). After WED I need to start my Christmas shopping. Oh, the shopping! I like shopping, but only for myself! I need to think of a good gift for my coworker. I am their secret Santa. I think this is the only gift I am truly stressed about. There is a $20 limit and I have no idea what to get her! I don't want to give a gift card (although it may seem easier) because for me, it just seems like I am not putting thought into the gift and everyone else will be getting/giving actual gifts. Anyway, got to get back to studying... I think I will be OK for this test. I need to make a 74 to make at least a B and 47 to make a C.... I think it is manageable! I wish I had better chance of making a B (or an A even), but I did not do well on my last test. :(
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